When Analyzing the Past is Not Productive

Do you go back into your past frequently and wonder why you did such-and-such? Do you see that you keep repeating certain patterns in the way you deal with life? Wondering why we do things, especially if they are non-productive, is a good thing. It enables us to evaluate what we have done, and the consequences that resulted from it. It enables us to make the necessary changes to get different (hopefully better) results from our future actions. If the results are good, we use that feedback and continue to repeat the actions. But why do some people stop at asking the question why, and never go beyond? Why do they not apply the answers to make the necessary changes and create a happier life for themselves? Sometimes the answers are simple but sometimes they are far more complex.

This story goes back a couple of decades but it plays an important role in my coaching philosophy.

I had a friend. Let us call him Mr. R. He came to me with some issues in dealing with women. He was engaged to a very nice lady at the time and was to marry her in about a year. Once the marriage day was set, he started to panic. He had been married before and did not have very pleasant memories of that experience. He claimed that he was in love with the lady he was currently engaged to, was looking forward to having a wonderful life with her. Yet that did not stop him from self sabotage. He came to me because he was confused about his feelings for another woman, and wanted some guidance.

We talked at length about his past - from his childhood to the present, what patterns of behavior he exhibits in dealing with problems, his coping mechanisms and his defenses etc. I pointed out some common patterns through the various seemingly dissimilar events and experiences, in order for him to understand the basic question "why do I do what I do to sabotage the good things in my life". But here is the crux of the issue: In a six month period of this dialogue, all he did was ask the question why. He was eager for the answer, the "explanation", but never went beyond. Finally I got tired of this unending exploration and said to him: "We have gone over the reasons a million times. We have explored this ad-infinitum. I really don't care about the WHY anymore. What I want to know from you is this: Are you willing to do something about it?" After that session, I never saw him again. I guess he really did not care to make any change. He got the attention and validation from me that his actions are rooted in something tangible and that he is not just a "bad person".

Some people have no desire to change anything in their lives, even after understanding how this robs them of the happiness they deserve. Why?

* Economy of Action - Changing takes too much effort. While there is the promise of better future, it is not guaranteed. Current life is something "predictable" and dependable. Why trade something certain for something uncertain?
* Ahhaah Moment - Understanding the circumstances makes them feel a sense of control. That becomes a reward in itself and no further action is necessary.
* Validation from Experts or Significant Others - The exercise into the WHY of an issue with a professional or with someone whose opinion you value, confirms that you are not a "bad person". This relieves the person of any anxiety they have over their behavior.
* Discovery of the causes "allows" them to blame something or someone else for their actions. Now that they have the tools to justify their actions, they can sit back and say "that is the way I am". Others just have to accept them as they are, or they don't fit into the scheme of life.

Don't be one of them. Once you look to your past and understand why you do what you do, don't stop there. Don't make it an end in itself. You deserve a better life. And, it is within your reach to make the changes. The original, non-productive, behavior was the consequence of actions that became a habit over time. With a little effort these habits can be replaced with more productive and constructive actions and can easily become your new habits. This will lead to a more enriching and fulfilling life.